blank stare...

As busy as I feel, I sure watch a lot of television.  I guess my mind is busier than my body.  Last night I was staring at the TV as Up All Night was airing and my mind was only present for a few scattered moments of the episode.  I remember the intro was funny, and something funny happened in the middle... But I guess the show was just an excuse to check-out for a few blessed minutes.

When I was 18 I babysat for a couple who was going on a cruise and were wisely leaving their two kids at home.  So I moved in.  The week went fine.  I think there were just a couple events that shook me up, including a dead mouse and a missing naked child, but overall it was just fine.
What I really remember was the feeling when I went home and flopped on my bed.  I could just think about me.  After a long week of childcare I could just think about me.  It was a wonderfully indulgent feeling.

I've been a mother for 10+ years and have attempted to recapture this feeling to no avail.  There have been glimpses.  If you're like me you've probably lingered in the shower or stayed up late just to revel in the solitude.  But just the fact that your kids exist keeps you from fully experiencing that ultimate relaxation, right?  I don't mean this resentfully.  I just get tired of thinking...

Even my dream last night was exhausting.  I was trying to figure out how to make our new large house work for all the family that was moving in with us.  Also, I was wearing a gorgeous ball gown that made me feel like a princess but wasn't very modest and I was torn between guilt and glamor.  It was all mental stress!

So I'm trying to really savor the moments of rest that come in little packages.  Like yesterday when I popped into Brenda's room, hoping to get a picture of her latest legorrific contraption.  Sadly it had already been demolished, but Brenda ordered me to stay and go to bed.  She put a blanket over me and would scold me every time she caught me with my eyes open.  And though it was just for a few minutes it was marvelous.  Thank you dear Brenda.  And thanks for letting me get a picture despite the builders' block you were experiencing...

She kinda looks like she needs a mental break too, eh? 

P.S.  Anytime I do a post that's kinda whiny I feel the need to reassure everyone (Mom) that all's well.  If I'm really on the verge of a nervous breakdown I'll start buying tacky lawn ornaments and writing strange song lyrics on my facebook status.

This post is just a blah purging.  ...feels good.